Remembrance is an important time for the Armed Forces community. Across the country, people come together to honour those who have served, remember those who have died and reflect on the sacrifices made by military personnel and their families.
But, if you've experienced a military bereavement, Remembrance can also bring up some complicated feelings. You might feel proud, grateful, connected to the community or comforted by the opportunity to remember someone you love. You might also feel sad, angry, anxious, overwhelmed or completely numb.
Perhaps you find Remembrance meaningful but difficult. Perhaps you look forward to it one year and struggle with it the next. Or maybe you feel unsure how you want to mark the occasion at all.
Whatever your experience, there is no right or wrong way to feel about Remembrance. Your feelings don't have to fit a particular pattern, and you don't have to participate in a particular way to show that someone matters to you.
If you're affected by military bereavement, here are some ways to prepare for Remembrance, navigate the day itself and look after your wellbeing afterwards.
Why can Remembrance be difficult after a bereavement?
Grief doesn't always follow a predictable path. Particular dates, traditions, places, sounds and conversations can bring memories and emotions to the surface, sometimes when we least expect them.
Remembrance can be especially significant if the person who died served in the Armed Forces, was a veteran or had a strong connection to military life. You might be reminded of their service, their experiences, the circumstances of their death or the life you shared with them.
You might also find yourself surrounded by people wearing poppies, attending services, observing the two-minute silence or sharing tributes to those who have died. While these traditions can be comforting, they can also act as a constant reminder of your bereavement more so than you’d experience at other times of year.
You might experience several emotions at once, including feelings that seem to contradict one another. You can feel proud and devastated, grateful and angry, or connected to the military community while also feeling alone.
You might even feel guilty for enjoying yourself, not feeling “sad enough”, or wanting to avoid Remembrance altogether.
These feelings don't mean you're remembering someone incorrectly or that your grief is somehow wrong. They are individual responses to a significant loss, and they deserve space without judgement.
Preparing for Remembrance: looking after yourself beforehand
Sometimes, thinking ahead can help you feel more prepared for an emotionally difficult time. You don't need to plan every moment, but a few small decisions can help you to feel more in control.
1. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up
You might already have an idea of how you expect to feel during Remembrance, but try not to put pressure on yourself to experience a particular emotion.
You don't have to feel proud, patriotic, sad or reflective simply because it's Remembrance. You don't have to cry to prove that you care, and you don't have to hide your feelings to make other people comfortable.
If it helps, take a little time to check in with yourself. Are you feeling anxious about the weeks ahead? Are there particular events or conversations you're worried about? Is there anything you're looking forward to?
Simply acknowledging how you're feeling in the first instance can be a helpful starting point.
2. Decide what Remembrance will look like for you
There is no single way to mark Remembrance, and you don't have to follow traditions that don't feel right for you.
You might choose to attend a Remembrance service, visit a memorial, wear a poppy, share a photograph or memory, or spend some quiet time reflecting on the person you've lost.
Equally, you might decide that this year you would rather stay at home, avoid certain events or do something completely unrelated to Remembrance.
Your relationship with the person who died is yours. You can honour their memory in whatever way feels meaningful to you, and that choice can change from year to year.
3. Think about what might feel difficult
If you know that certain situations tend to bring up difficult feelings, consider what might help you navigate them.
Perhaps hearing The Last Post, watching a televised service or seeing tributes on social media might be upsetting. Perhaps being around other people who knew the person you've lost will be comforting, but talking about their death will feel difficult.
You don't need to avoid every possible reminder. Instead, think about what you feel ready for and what support might make a situation easier.
You could arrange to attend an event with someone you trust, plan a way to leave early or decide in advance which social media accounts you might want to mute for a while.
Having options can help you feel less pressured to push through something that becomes overwhelming.
4. Let someone know what you might need
If there is someone you trust, consider telling them that Remembrance might be a difficult time for you.
You don't need to explain everything you're feeling. Even a simple message such as, "I'm finding this time of year difficult, and I might need a bit of extra support," can help someone understand what you're going through.
You might want company, a listening ear or someone to help you stay distracted. You might prefer to spend time alone but appreciate knowing that someone is available if you need them.
If people don't know what you're experiencing, they may not realise that you need support. It's okay to let them know.
During Remembrance: coping with difficult feelings
Even if you've prepared in advance, certain emotions can take you by surprise. If Remembrance feels difficult, try to give yourself permission to respond to what you need in that moment.
5. Remember that you can change your mind
You might plan to attend a service and find that, when the day arrives, you don't feel able to go. You might decide to stay at home, only to realise that you would appreciate being around other people after all.
That's okay.
Making a decision in advance doesn't mean you have to stick to it regardless of how you're feeling. You can leave an event early, step outside for some fresh air or decide that you would rather spend the rest of the day somewhere quiet.
You’re not letting anyone down by looking after yourself.
6. Find small ways to ground yourself
If you feel overwhelmed, anxious or disconnected from what's happening around you, try bringing your attention back to the present moment.
You could:
- Take a few slow, comfortable breaths, without forcing yourself to breathe in a particular way.
- Notice five things you can see, four things you can feel and three things you can hear.
- Find a quieter space away from crowds or noise.
- Hold a familiar object, such as a piece of jewellery or a small keepsake.
- Have a drink of water or step outside for some fresh air.
You don't need to do all of these things. Try whichever feels most helpful to you.
And remember, you don't have to make difficult feelings disappear. Not every feeling should be seen as something to “fix”. Sometimes, the aim is simply to make the moment feel a little more manageable.
7. Don't compare your grief with anyone else's
Remembrance can bring people together, but it can also make it easy to compare your experience with those around you.
You might wonder why someone else seems able to talk openly about their loss when you struggle to find the words. You might feel that other people are showing more emotion, or that their connection to the person who died is being recognised in a way yours isn't.
Military bereavement can affect people in many different ways, depending on their relationship with the person who died, their circumstances and the support available to them.
Your grief doesn't need to look like someone else's. You don't need to justify why you're struggling, and you don't need to measure the significance of your loss against anyone else's.
Your experience matters, even when other people can't see what you're feeling.
8. Give yourself permission to step away
You might find that conversations, television coverage, online tributes or social media posts become difficult to manage.
If that's the case, it's okay to take a break.
You can turn off the television, put your phone away, mute certain accounts or spend time doing something that gives your mind a rest. You can also choose to engage with Remembrance in smaller doses rather than feeling that you need to be involved throughout the day.
Taking a break doesn't mean you're forgetting the person who died. It simply means you're recognising your own needs.
After Remembrance: giving yourself time to recover
Sometimes, the hardest part comes after an event or significant date has passed. You might feel relieved that it's over, emotionally exhausted or unexpectedly low.
You might also feel perfectly okay. There is no single response you should expect from yourself.
9. Make space to rest and recharge
If you've spent time managing difficult emotions, attending events or being around lots of people, you might need some time to recover.
Try to make space for simple things that help you feel more settled. You could have a quiet evening, get outside for a walk, watch something familiar, spend time with people who make you feel comfortable or give yourself permission to do very little.
You don't need to be productive or turn your feelings into a learning experience. Rest is enough.
10. Check in with yourself rather than judging your feelings
You might find it helpful to reflect on how Remembrance felt for you this year.
What did you find comforting? Was anything more difficult than you expected? Is there anything you'd like to do differently next time?
This isn't about evaluating whether you handled Remembrance well. It's about understanding yourself and recognising what might help in the future.
And if you're feeling sad, angry, numb or unsettled afterwards, try not to judge yourself for it. Emotions don't always arrive on a convenient schedule, and you don't have to feel better simply because Remembrance has passed.
11. Stay connected to people who understand
If you've found Remembrance difficult, you don't have to deal with those feelings alone.
You might want to talk to a friend, family member or someone who understands military life and bereavement. You might find comfort in connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss, particularly if you feel that people around you don't fully understand the military context of your grief.
You don't need to wait until things feel unbearable before reaching out for support. Sometimes, simply being able to talk openly with someone who listens without judgement can make a difference.
Key Takeaways…
There is no right or wrong way to remember
Remembrance can be a time of connection, reflection and pride. It can also be painful, complicated or exhausting when you're living with the loss of someone important to you.
You might find comfort in the traditions around Remembrance, or you might find that they bring up feelings you'd rather not face. You might want to talk about the person you've lost, or you might prefer to remember them privately.
All of these experiences are valid.
If you're affected by military bereavement, you deserve support that recognises your individual experience, whatever your age, relationship to the person who died or circumstances of your grief.
You don't have to navigate this time in a particular way. Take things at your own pace, make room for your feelings and remember that looking after yourself is just as important as finding ways to honour someone else.
Here’s some advice from Nikki, our Founder:
“Over the years, I’ve spoken to people who’ve said how nervous they felt leading up to Remembrance, and I think that’s completely understandable. But please remember you’re not alone. I know how emotional and overwhelming it can feel, but within the Scotty’s Community you’re surrounded by people who understand - people who have experienced similar things to you, and you won’t need to explain yourself to these guys. You can just be yourself and you don’t have to put on a brave face.”
“Just remember, there’s no wrong or right way to experience Remembrance. You might find yourself feeling sad, feeling proud, you might laugh and you might even enjoy it. You might feel a mix of those things all within the space of a few minutes, and that’s totally okay. But do reach out to Scotty’s if you need support.”
You don't have to face military bereavement alone.
At Scotty's, we support anyone affected by military bereavement. If Remembrance is bringing up difficult feelings for you, find out more about Scotty's and the support available. You don't have to wait until you're struggling to reach out.
